The times, they are a'changing

She's this happy. All. The. Time.



I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by the ginormous mess on my desk right now, so I'm taking a Diet Coke break minus the sweaty, topless construction worker outside my window.


We're hoping for big changes soon. NO. WE'RE NOT TRYING TO GET PREGNANT! Why does everyone automatically think or assume that when you mention big changes? Is having a baby seriously the only big change that you're allowed to anticipate?

I think child birth classes need to be revamped. Sure, you can teach me how to change a diaper or that back is best or the different types of bottles and nipples. The class about the kid actually getting out was informative. But where were the classes about what to do when your kid gets her days and nights confused and is awake crying until 7 am? What about when she gets older and starts teething? No one warned me that she would wake up at 3 am screaming her head off because a tooth had broken through and no amount of nursing or cuddling or anything would make her feel better. What about the saying, "Sleep when baby sleeps." No. That's when I shower for the first time in a week or wash clothes so I can finally wear a clean pair of yoga pants.

The most important thing I wish I had been warned about is how much I would change. Of course, while I was pregnant, I could see the physical changes. Obviously. And the emotional changes were pretty apparent too. Or did everyone else cry like a baby at those abused animal commercials? But, after she got here, maybe I expected things to go back to "normal." Physically, I still have what we'll call baby weight when in reality it's "I ate a little (a lot) more than I probably should have every day the past 32 years of my life" weight. I have a 6-7" scar across my abdomen that still itches at times. I can fit into some of my pre-preggo clothes, but not all of them. And some will never fit again. I still wear maternity pants. A lot.

Emotionally, I am all over the place. There are some days that I feel like I'm on cloud 9 and some days that getting out of bed is the most impossible task I've ever heard of. No one warned me about how intensely I could be affected by the hormonal changes I've gone through. There are days I seriously consider running away, but I don't know where I'd go. There are times her crying makes me insane, especially when I can't figure out what's wrong. No one told me what to do on those days. No one warned me about the guilt I'd feel when I let my child cry for just long enough for me to eat a few bites of food that was still warm. No one told me that there would be times that we both just cry together because I won't be able to figure out how to fix what is wrong with her.

This is starting to sound like I resent Scout and how much I have changed since she came into my life. That couldn't be farther from the truth. I love her more than I ever thought it was possible to love one person. I am scared to have another kid because I don't think I can love anyone else this much. I will stay up later than I should just so I can watch her sleep. I leave my office to "go check on the classrooms" so I can peek in on her just so I can see her smile at me. She is the most amazing person I've ever met and she's only been here 6 months.

But, those other feelings are valid too. And they don't make me a bad mom or a bad person. They make me a better mom because when I am at the end of my rope, my perfect little Scout smiles or reaches for me or gives me her permanently surprised look. And all is right with my completely